Thursday, 8 March 2012

A major lapse

Yesterday was day 5/6
Everything was going quite well
I'd been to Dr psych in the morning and told him how I was going. To be sure he always seems sceptical about total,abstinence. Who knows what that's about, I half suspect he is telling me that he has difficulty himself
I had a funny afternoon shifting S's belongings from her flat and then on the way home I became overtaken by the "it's 5 o'clock mentality!" and bought two bottles of gin on the way home! Yes two...because it was cheaper to buy two . I realized it was madness on both counts. Mad to buy one...even if I was allowing myself a little indulgence. Totally insane to buy 2 in order to save $2 and lock myself in
And I had to decide to do it, I almost drove past the shop....(I did in fact choose to drive away from three other bottleshops)  But the fourth one got me.
At home I told myself two drinks and no more. Then I chilled e it up,in a jug and realised I had poured a quarter of a bottle.
Thank god I don't feel like total shitbthis morning...only partially
There is a lot of stuff going on here

  • The 5 o'clock danger time
  • Feeling tired
  • Disappointment because S and I weren't going to the pics
  • The cheapskate buying stuff because it was cheaper,  when  I shouldn't have bought at all
  • The amazement thatat I didn't get immediately smashed and thought therefore it was ok

Now I have to live with two bottles of gin....I feel I should be able to...but of course I can't
I'm inclined to think I'll lock one awayq, and finish the one I opened.......probably a mistake

I still count this as a day of awareness and therefore I am still on the program.
It is a lapse, not a total failure. I think this is an important realisation

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