Saturday, 31 March 2012

Four weeks

It has been a while since the last post. Today is week 4 and it is difficult to look back and see that I have been successful in any way what soever. In fact I have probably been worse.
Yesterday, knowing that I was at a danger point I bought two bottles of gin...I also advised someone who was having a little trouble (how would I know if she was having trouble just because she told me she wasn't drinking too much doesn't mean she was telling the truth we drunks are all deceptive and liars!)Any way the last third of one bottle and an unopened bottle got poured down the sink...and an open bottle of red and the last of a cask of wine
Any way, I must begin again. That is the advice I gave that woman, and it is my own advice.
Danger time is late afternoon
I need to heed my diverted, visualize a Stop to myself about the real consequences of what is happening and what I am doing
I can lick this. I am conscious of all Sorts of things about sin. I do the thing that I hate. The more I try the more I fail. The need to acknowledge that I need to source e spiritual strength from without as well as within. And ere is a real sense of dealing with a demon
I don't like that sort of narrow b/s but it does seem real enough to be a person and possessive. And I have cried out...and all sorts of things have happened. I am more comfortable in my own skin...because of course the al reason I drink is so that I don't have to feel guilty abo being a poof.
Glad I told C & M the othER day, although it was a bit spontaneous and unplanned. He was a bit shocked. And I told PK probably because I was drunk
That's a big thing about the drunkenness ....I have been writing mad emails and letters.
I will eventually do something I regret in thAt regard.
I can do this. I want to be an alcohol free zone. I am never going to be able to just have one drink. I don't want to do rehab
O lord if this is a prayer to you. And it is! Then hear it.

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