Wednesday, 14 March 2012

Badly rationalized !

I did note some days ago that a drunk can rationalize anything . So yes I have drunk
Yes I have bought quite a lot of booze.

I have drunk quite a lot of it.
Ad I have tipped a lot of it down the toilet in the mornings when i feel more moral
It's an expensive and not very bright exercise I still don't get why I have not got the will power to not be stupid!
Any way. I went to bed late, I slept really poorly and it's 630. I feel like shit and wonder how I will get through the day. Part of me is saying that I deserve this.
So I have all this self awareness but I still do the thing that I hate. The is some bigger dynamic going on here, and that's a bit scary . If it were just about not drinking alcohol, if it was about Trying to deal with being gay....but I don't think it's with of these things at the core.
Is it, God, that I cry out to you and nothing happens. And so I have this Angst....that my life has been a fucking waste
It is not that I do not believe, i want to,believe that there is more going on....maybe I am afeared that there is not. It's all just crap
Anyhow I do objectively feel that I don't want to,continue like this....I don't like the aura of hangover ormofmage. C said a few months ago...I don't want to drink like that any more. For me it means I can't drink at all
So today God, Jesus, Holy Spirit....please just give grace, energy and health to deal with how I'm feeling..
One stupid thing is that I have to,stop emailing and making mad decisions when I'm drunk. The more perceptive will note if they haven't already that my life is falling apart. I am not quite ready for that anomaly to,happen. And I desperately don't want to hit rock bottom before I actually can turn around. It is such a cliche

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