Thursday, 29 November 2012

Moving ahead

I have worked pretty hard in the last couple of weeks....using the Sedona Method to practice detachment  and emotional release. The idea is pretty Buddhist in the sense of letting go of anything that may take over.
This seemed to work pretty well, using the image of a multi layered emotional depth (like-an onion) maybe sometimes a number of layers have to be removed before any effect is noticed.
I have also been pretty rigorous with the ignatian examen which has added a depth

All sorts of things are all tablets, sometimes sleep is better, a lot of the agenda that I declared at beginning of sedona is shifting.
The alcohol ...a real possibility of readily and quickly saying no!!!
I am rather amazed.

Wednesday, 10 October 2012

A week

The last week has been significantly better. I have had a mouthful of wine and a chinese beer. Night after night I have got to 5 p.m. and felt a pang....but I have acknowledged it as a pang and moved on.

The only drink I have had have been with others, small wine and a beer as I said. That has enabled me to stop.
The truth is I feel more today like the possibility of total abstinence being a real possibility. Alongside this I have reduced my antedpressants from 2 to 1/2 and will be off them by the end of the week.
This is a risky strategy but seems to be working...obviously my sleep pattern is  a bit whacky but I want also to get back to natural sleep and want to be able to reduce sleeping tablets which are not without their side effects.(Presently taking 10 mgms nocte)
But that's for next week!

Saturday, 6 October 2012

Bit better

The last week has been a  bit bad.
But I have been clear for a few days now. Last night was close. I had it rationalised (5 usual) that when K came home she and I could enjoy a drink together. At least that would mean that I would only drink half a bottle. But she of course should drink nothing at all, and maybe (just maybe) I decided not to do it when I realised I would be using her to drag myself down.
The house is still disgusting. Am I making headway? Doesn't really feel like it.
Strange dreams last night...very churchy about getting dressed up in gaudy vestments
I think it's telling me that it all looks stupid to other people, and it is no reason to make decisions.

Wednesday, 3 October 2012

Very patchy

It's been very patchy in the last few weeks. After a time away when I was forced not to drink (because of unavailability)  I felt really well.  There couldn't have been a clearer indication of the way forward!
But I have played all sorts of games with myself.
Had a couple of periods (usually no more than a couple of days) when I have not drunk...but that is usually rationalised.
I keep saying to myself ...I would like to be able to drink moderately. The truth is I can't. Once I start it is over.
I MUST give up completely.
So today......once again...I make that commitment.
To be fair...things are a bit better. But I am not there yet.

Saturday, 18 August 2012

It does need to be said

That today is 18 August and I have not had any drink since the events of last Saturday night.
So it will be a week tonight.
I do realize that the alcohol was filling a hole.....and emotional hole....the hole was getting bigger and bigger. To pursue the image...the drinking was getting earlier and earlier.
I think I am almost at the point where I have stopped. No doubt there will be intermediate cravings....but there have been surprisingly few twinges...a couple, but the emotional momentum of this awful time for my daughter has pushed me harder.
So good for me...Not so good for her But she is also a big girl. She has a similar hole...and I suspect that she has not stopped drinking.  More important for her than for me
I doubt, quite often, just whether I can do this.  Every day seems to have a challenge...and I dread the thought of getting up. But I have.
I need not to be boastful. I do need to recognize there is a way to go. But my desire is for K, but I can't do it for her.

Tuesday, 14 August 2012

Minor victory-saving what I can

It is at least now August 14 and I have not drunk since August 11
The impetus has been the disasters of the last few at least something is salvaged.
I have panicked. I have felt like crap. But I also feel physically better....and I can lecture my daughter about how she must do the doesn't seem like she has heard, and I understand that. All I can do is try and stand by her
In the midst of the sadness (which could have been far worse...but that is little consolation) there is one good thing that has come out of it. I have been able to speak with a touch of honesty and openness about my love and Concern for her. I know this may be thin, and pray that it may be stronger.
I feel pretty done over by it all, and doubt my capacity to deal with it. Amidst all this last week on retreat I was being told that Christ already is within me...and that I have to live out of that
After sixty years you would think I should understand what that might mean. But I doubt my capacity to do it . Let alone understand wha it means in reality. I want it to be true. But am all too aware of my lack of faith.

Sunday, 12 August 2012

Crunch point

There is a crunch point tonight
It's got to be the end
While I got close to stopping
I didn't
And though I made the usual rules
No drinking alone
No daytime drinking     Only two drinks
Yarda Yarda .....
I broke them all
Then there were two car incidents
S had a small bang and was pretty upset
Nothing major
And I can think my way through it
Then at 4 K has been on the phone
She got pulled over
Immediate suspension
History repeats itself
I a least can advise her
She. Has to stop now
And so must I
I must stop thinking every problem and circumstance is about me
On one level it is
But of course her problem is not mine
She has to stop now
And I must lead by example
A good side will be
And can be
That this might be the impetus
There is not a lot to salvage out of tonight
No one has been killed!
And iris not about me
Bt maybe I can use it
This all feels very Job like
Things were going well
But I had slipped into complacency
And presumption
That All Will be Well
Meant that it could still do wrong

For the bad and addictive behaviours I passed on
I am sorry and ask forgiveness o God
Show me a way through
I need to snatch some short sleep