It does need to be said

That today is 18 August and I have not had any drink since the events of last Saturday night.
So it will be a week tonight.
I do realize that the alcohol was filling a hole.....and emotional hole....the hole was getting bigger and bigger. To pursue the image...the drinking was getting earlier and earlier.
I think I am almost at the point where I have stopped. No doubt there will be intermediate cravings....but there have been surprisingly few twinges...a couple, but the emotional momentum of this awful time for my daughter has pushed me harder.
So good for me...Not so good for her But she is also a big girl. She has a similar hole...and I suspect that she has not stopped drinking.  More important for her than for me
I doubt, quite often, just whether I can do this.  Every day seems to have a challenge...and I dread the thought of getting up. But I have.
I need not to be boastful. I do need to recognize there is a way to go. But my desire is for K, but I can't do it for her.

Minor victory-saving what I can

It is at least now August 14 and I have not drunk since August 11
The impetus has been the disasters of the last few days...so at least something is salvaged.
I have panicked. I have felt like crap. But I also feel physically better....and I can lecture my daughter about how she must do the same....it doesn't seem like she has heard, and I understand that. All I can do is try and stand by her
In the midst of the sadness (which could have been far worse...but that is little consolation) there is one good thing that has come out of it. I have been able to speak with a touch of honesty and openness about my love and Concern for her. I know this may be thin, and pray that it may be stronger.
I feel pretty done over by it all, and doubt my capacity to deal with it. Amidst all this last week on retreat I was being told that Christ already is within me...and that I have to live out of that
After sixty years you would think I should understand what that might mean. But I doubt my capacity to do it . Let alone understand wha it means in reality. I want it to be true. But am all too aware of my lack of faith.

Crunch point

There is a crunch point tonight
It's got to be the end
While I got close to stopping
I didn't
And though I made the usual rules
No drinking alone
No daytime drinking     Only two drinks
Yarda Yarda .....
I broke them all
Then there were two car incidents
S had a small bang and was pretty upset
Nothing major
And I can think my way through it
Then at 4 K has been on the phone
She got pulled over
Carimpounded
Immediate suspension
History repeats itself
I a least can advise her
She. Has to stop now
And so must I
I must stop thinking every problem and circumstance is about me
On one level it is
But of course her problem is not mine
She has to stop now
And I must lead by example
A good side will be
And can be
That this might be the impetus
There is not a lot to salvage out of tonight
No one has been killed!
And iris not about me
Bt maybe I can use it
This all feels very Job like
Things were going well
But I had slipped into complacency
And presumption
That All Will be Well
Meant that it could still do wrong

For the bad and addictive behaviours I passed on
I am sorry and ask forgiveness o God
Show me a way through
I need to snatch some short sleep

Mild modification

I guess the only thing I can really say is that things are slightly....only slightly...better
I am certainly not out of the woods. But I am not buying gin every day, and sometime I can say no
Yesterday was not one of those days....today is Friday ...the rubbish comes today
On Wednesday I had bought a box of wine...and a bottle of scotch
On Tuesday I had bought sherry and a bottle of gin. I drank about a third of e bottle before bed during the night I decided I would flush the contents...and I did
But Wednesday I bought the stupid whiskey and the wine. I steeld myself to throw them out in the rubbish...then at least I knew if I was going to recover them I would have admit to myself that I was going through the garbage.
And I did. I am a drunk
Started drinking at midday and couldn't stop. Had to visit a seriously ill person and hoped I didn't smell like a drunk....of course I did. Went out to dinner...so had driven probably illegally ...even had wine with dinner
Had a meeting in the evening and got there early and fell asleep in the car. In
In the end I couldn't go in and went home. I drank some more..and finally went to bed
At least at 4a.m. I snuck out and put the box and e scotch in the rubbish bin
It has to be over today.
Even as I write this I am aware that J is coming over next week to have a drink. He has serious talking to do. So I can't fob him off
At the very least I have got to do better...and not drink by myself
Couple of rules
No lone drinking
No drinking during the day
No drinking and driving
Two drinks should be it...the KSC advice given to me by a naval guy...only two
If I could do that there would ntbe a problem....I really fear that the answer can only be NONE

Oh dear!

Was going quite well. Went out to dinner on Saturday and had three tiny drinks. Probably less than a standard drink.
Then yesterday, I got stuck at home . On Saturday knocking the edge off had already made me obsess about the Gin I few away . But I didn't retrieve it. Then on Sunday did ! What an idiot.
I got stranded at home without a car, and discovered a new chat site. It was a bit hair raising.
Anonymous, but constantly reflecting that I am really old!!!
So the two are intertwined again. Alcohol being used to knock the edge off promiscuity. And desperate feelings of loneliness. It is not good to be alone
So my heads thmping and i am using panadol...not really bad but bad enough to slow me down and make it feel like migraine.
I hate that I have got trapped back into sex without intimacy. And that I don't seem to be able be stimulated without porn. And that Interwoven in all this is booze, which constantly diminishes my crItical factors
I seem so fucking patHetic, and my quality of life seems crappier than shit.....and no prospects of improving
The alcohol both 'improves' and diminishes this. By and large it is a cause and not a solution
Ad it is this intImacy stuff that is much more important
It is not good to be alone.....and I am so alone

Had done well

Went for over a week. Even refused wine with dinner on Thursday and told my host I had stopped. Then went to lunch on Friday at an Irish pub and was offered a guiness and hummed and hashed...but it was ok.
Except!!!
It diminished me enough to think I could have a drinking night and dd...and of course it wAs too much. Another half bottle of gin. Feck!!
I am not going to pour the gin down the sink I am going to throw the bottle in the bin. Then at least if I have to ferret around to retrieve it I will know I am a drunk who goes through the bin
Have to go to dinner tonight. Have bought wine....bought it when. I got the gin....or the other way round.
I will take it...but I will not drink....this will be hard
Have a bit of a head thumper today.
And it serves me right

A bit better

Went for a whole week last week, then had a few drinks on Friday....a mistake of course.
At least I realized this and have now had three clear days of my own volition.
There is a lot going on in my life at this time but it seems to be manageable.
I have more or less decided to stay put where I am for he next few years, and this has been some what liberating.
I wish that things were better financially and socially , but running away is not pa rticularly going to he,lp that
Probably the reverse So that's where the freedom has come