Mild modification

I guess the only thing I can really say is that things are slightly....only slightly...better
I am certainly not out of the woods. But I am not buying gin every day, and sometime I can say no
Yesterday was not one of those days....today is Friday ...the rubbish comes today
On Wednesday I had bought a box of wine...and a bottle of scotch
On Tuesday I had bought sherry and a bottle of gin. I drank about a third of e bottle before bed during the night I decided I would flush the contents...and I did
But Wednesday I bought the stupid whiskey and the wine. I steeld myself to throw them out in the rubbish...then at least I knew if I was going to recover them I would have admit to myself that I was going through the garbage.
And I did. I am a drunk
Started drinking at midday and couldn't stop. Had to visit a seriously ill person and hoped I didn't smell like a drunk....of course I did. Went out to dinner...so had driven probably illegally ...even had wine with dinner
Had a meeting in the evening and got there early and fell asleep in the car. In
In the end I couldn't go in and went home. I drank some more..and finally went to bed
At least at 4a.m. I snuck out and put the box and e scotch in the rubbish bin
It has to be over today.
Even as I write this I am aware that J is coming over next week to have a drink. He has serious talking to do. So I can't fob him off
At the very least I have got to do better...and not drink by myself
Couple of rules
No lone drinking
No drinking during the day
No drinking and driving
Two drinks should be it...the KSC advice given to me by a naval guy...only two
If I could do that there would ntbe a problem....I really fear that the answer can only be NONE

Oh dear!

Was going quite well. Went out to dinner on Saturday and had three tiny drinks. Probably less than a standard drink.
Then yesterday, I got stuck at home . On Saturday knocking the edge off had already made me obsess about the Gin I few away . But I didn't retrieve it. Then on Sunday did ! What an idiot.
I got stranded at home without a car, and discovered a new chat site. It was a bit hair raising.
Anonymous, but constantly reflecting that I am really old!!!
So the two are intertwined again. Alcohol being used to knock the edge off promiscuity. And desperate feelings of loneliness. It is not good to be alone
So my heads thmping and i am using panadol...not really bad but bad enough to slow me down and make it feel like migraine.
I hate that I have got trapped back into sex without intimacy. And that I don't seem to be able be stimulated without porn. And that Interwoven in all this is booze, which constantly diminishes my crItical factors
I seem so fucking patHetic, and my quality of life seems crappier than shit.....and no prospects of improving
The alcohol both 'improves' and diminishes this. By and large it is a cause and not a solution
Ad it is this intImacy stuff that is much more important
It is not good to be alone.....and I am so alone

Had done well

Went for over a week. Even refused wine with dinner on Thursday and told my host I had stopped. Then went to lunch on Friday at an Irish pub and was offered a guiness and hummed and hashed...but it was ok.
Except!!!
It diminished me enough to think I could have a drinking night and dd...and of course it wAs too much. Another half bottle of gin. Feck!!
I am not going to pour the gin down the sink I am going to throw the bottle in the bin. Then at least if I have to ferret around to retrieve it I will know I am a drunk who goes through the bin
Have to go to dinner tonight. Have bought wine....bought it when. I got the gin....or the other way round.
I will take it...but I will not drink....this will be hard
Have a bit of a head thumper today.
And it serves me right

A bit better

Went for a whole week last week, then had a few drinks on Friday....a mistake of course.
At least I realized this and have now had three clear days of my own volition.
There is a lot going on in my life at this time but it seems to be manageable.
I have more or less decided to stay put where I am for he next few years, and this has been some what liberating.
I wish that things were better financially and socially , but running away is not pa rticularly going to he,lp that
Probably the reverse So that's where the freedom has come

Almost made it

I thought that I had almost made a week...but I defeated myself. Knowingly and willingly, and dare I say sinfully ....though I a trying to keep that sort of loaded language out of this. What happened? I started to get Pangs when I was cooking a meal for my sister. In fact as I was on my down there I was feeling a bit resentful that I was having to go at all when I could have been home getting smashed. Any way we had a couple of glasses of piss...it was revolting stuff ...tasted like vinegar. I couldn't wait to get home so I could have a proper drink. Now let me say this again! I am not a person who can drink. I have no sense of proportion. I can't stop. And Fuck! I lay in bed this morning thinking .....What did I write in that letter to my boss while I was pissed out of my brain? Thank goodness when I checked it was all fairly innocuous . Today I have a busy day! And though I feel a bit fuzzy thank God I am not really hung over And so, I beGin again. God give me strength.

PTL

Heading up for the second day in a row!
Had to self-talk a bit in the late afternoon, as I watched a movie about people having fun drinking, I felt real pangs. This is maniacal, they were not drinking properly or well. And I longed for the short term thrill. This is mad, I thought. Thank goodness there was someone else here...and thank goodness I didnt waste anther $60 on gin that I would have to pour down the sink after the morning guilts.
So a small victory

Four weeks

It has been a while since the last post. Today is week 4 and it is difficult to look back and see that I have been successful in any way what soever. In fact I have probably been worse.
Yesterday, knowing that I was at a danger point I bought two bottles of gin...I also advised someone who was having a little trouble (how would I know if she was having trouble just because she told me she wasn't drinking too much doesn't mean she was telling the truth we drunks are all deceptive and liars!)Any way the last third of one bottle and an unopened bottle got poured down the sink...and an open bottle of red and the last of a cask of wine
Any way, I must begin again. That is the advice I gave that woman, and it is my own advice.
Danger time is late afternoon
I need to heed my advice...be diverted, visualize a Stop sign....talk to myself about the real consequences of what is happening and what I am doing
I can lick this. I am conscious of all Sorts of things about sin. I do the thing that I hate. The more I try the more I fail. The need to acknowledge that I need to source e spiritual strength from without as well as within. And ere is a real sense of dealing with a demon
I don't like that sort of narrow b/s but it does seem real enough to be a person and possessive. And I have cried out...and all sorts of things have happened. I am more comfortable in my own skin...because of course the al reason I drink is so that I don't have to feel guilty abo being a poof.
Glad I told C & M the othER day, although it was a bit spontaneous and unplanned. He was a bit shocked. And I told PK probably because I was drunk
That's a big thing about the drunkenness ....I have been writing mad emails and letters.
I will eventually do something I regret in thAt regard.
I can do this. I want to be an alcohol free zone. I am never going to be able to just have one drink. I don't want to do rehab
O lord if this is a prayer to you. And it is! Then hear it.